8/2024

Fragments from the journal, August 2024:

I might be fucking up, but I am at least showing up with what I believe is right. I am trying with all my heart and my mind to do what feels right and I might find out later than it’s wrong but at least I’m trying. I sure as shit am not doing what I know is wrong because I’m too afraid to bring it up or acknowledge it. 

I’m not asking for much, I just wanted a fair shot at creating a life. Isn’t that what we all want?

I will regularly look at my own darkness and take responsibility for it so that I don’t hurt you.

When your light is too bright people fucking hate you. So I learned how to turn mine down and in return, I came off as a resting bitch face in a hardened pretty shell.

Giving up on love is crazy. I guarantee that will have tough times I guarantee that one or both of us at some point will think this is too hard, but I also know that there’s no one I would rather face any of that hardship with.

I think the thing that age teaches you is that it is indeed possible to be right and wrong at the same time.

They say when you don’t wanna remember a memory, you change it in your mind make it somehow easier to swallow down. Turn it into a pill that quells the ache instead of feeds the frenzy. But the problem is the real memory still there lying in the weight of life. How do you backtrack how do you unravel staying in a tight ball is all that’s keeping you together do you have to become a student of your own life of your own mind reading and rereading to make the essay clear to make the thesis concise to lose all warmth in the search for rigor. An inertia assumed in conditions unfavorable for growth..

A sudden and inflexible adherence to memory you never actually remember but crafted because the truth is worse than hell.