7/2023
When I tell people the hard things I’ve been through in my life most people look at me in disbelief. They think I’m making it up or that I need attention or that I’m just being dramatic and I think it’s because people can’t contemplate in their own lives going through that much difficulty and not being in a padded room, I won’t lie. I’ve often asked myself that very question why have I not flown over the cuckoo‘s nest?
Sometimes I think about that quote that people always say in times of hardship. God only gives us what we can handle or something to that effect to which I often reply bullshit then why do some people live a life free of most hardships at all? It doesn’t make sense why some people should have heartache at every single turn and others should just ride on the wind without a bother. Then there’s other times that I feel like I have some responsibility in understanding the reason for all the hardship I’ve been through that the things I’ve been through are not just lessons but ways that are specific to me to understand life on a deeper level. Maybe they’re even a gift, a peek behind the curtain?
I’ve always had a feeling of guilt at not accepting that there is a God wholeheartedly because I just can’t look around and see the hard things people go through and believe there is a power that decided they should live with broken hearts or broken families while others live lives of luxury, flamboyance, and lightness of being. What kind of God? I ask again, what kind of God would be that cruel? As the years have gone by and those hardships have been tucked back in the pockets of history and I’ve learned to live with my own sense of heaviness and the lightness surrounding me in my periphery, I’ve come to understand that maybe it isn’t cruelty after all that it’s a gift in fact. I have a brain that can decipher its deeper meaning. Indeed hindsight is not a weapon of destruction, but perhaps a tool for creation for what other animal understands the past present and future, and what other animal can make meaning beyond the moment? So I don’t hold the things that have happened to me that are terrible as a burden anymore, and I don’t begrudge other people who don’t understand how I have survived them. I just keep sharing who I am because you never know the kindred spirit that might relate.
