01/2024
Fragments from the journal January 2024:
I keep thinking about the tragedy of life. The thing that Mark Rothko became obsessed with before he died. What Elizabeth Gilbert always talks about, that there is no seperation of good and bad things. Everything is happening all at once. I think the trick is not just recognizing that though, it’s figuring out a way to accept it deeply and try your best to comprehend it as truth.
Maybe it’s time to start believing the voice inside me that believes I have beauty just as I am, the voice that tells me to have faith not just in myself but in other people. I’ve been working so hard to develop a kind of bottomless love for myself so that I won’t always feel a bottomless need for external love, but that will never be enough because we need to feel loved too.
Where are we to find light when the sun has been distinguished? I’ve looked everywhere else, the last place i thought I would see it is in the mirror.
When you have nothing left to lose-what else is there? You have to keep going though because the work of healing is often born out of sheer desperation, because you feel like you have nothing left.
When you are at your lowest, it feels so counter intuitive to think ‘go lower’, but you have to go deeper into that thing that is the root, and then ever deeper still-that’s where the seed of pain lives. Get in there and do the excavations. That’s the absolute core of why this work is so frightening.
All the external systems you have been relying on to prop you up need to collapse for you to be willing to do what it takes to change how you interpret your value, it’s the only way the opening can happen.
Love is worth it. Loving yourself is worth it. Respecting your heart’s desires is worth it. Valuing what your heart wants is worth it. Listening to your heart is the key, it will always tell you your deepest desires. Let all the ego and expectations fall away, what do you really want? Trust that! Trust the truth, not the story you tell yourself or anyone else!
I told my therapist maybe it’s time to take a break from therapy, I know it’s my ocd, but I feel the need to analyze every single thing about myself and it’s holding me back from just friggin living my life. She agreed. Apparently, “over-therapized” is a thing, lol, well that tracks. If there is a limit, I’ll reach it!
