Reclaiming My Voice:7/24

From the journal July 2024:

As I sit down to reflect on my artistic journey, I can feel the language I use to communicate with my art shifting beneath my fingertips. It’s a subtle yet profound transformation, one that urges me to explore not just the aesthetics of my work but also the emotional fulfillment that arises while I’m creating. The reality is stark: you cannot grow as an artist if what you’re making doesn’t ignite a spark of excitement within you. That thrill—the anticipation of racing into the studio each day—is the very fuel that sustains an artist’s growth. Without it, creative stagnation sets in, and the process becomes a chore rather than a joyous exploration.

The last two years have been an expansive yet tumultuous chapter. I said yes to every opportunity that crossed my path, eager to prove myself as a professional artist. But what I didn’t anticipate was the toll it would take on my spirit. Burnout became my constant companion, a harsh reminder that, for too long, I had been crafting my art through the lens of others’ expectations. My own desires and creative impulses floated in the background, overshadowed by the weight of what I thought I should be doing. 

As I look back at 2024, I see it as a pivotal year—a time for reclaiming my artistic identity and setting the boundaries that will allow me to flourish. This journey of self-discovery is ongoing, and I am learning that this process of finding myself in my art is not linear; it’s a winding path that ebbs and flows. It’s a commitment that I’ve made to myself, a promise that to be taken seriously as an artist means continuously studying the kind of art I want to create and nurturing the growth I seek.

It was the exhilaration of inspiration that drew me back to painting after years of silence. I had found a way to express the whirlwind of feelings I harbored inside, and in that moment, I felt a sense of liberation. I had stumbled upon a sustainable and effective method to create and share my inner world. Yet, with that enthusiasm came a frenetic pace—a whirlwind of production that, coupled with my ADHD, led to an overwhelming surge of creativity followed swiftly by burnout. 

In my naivety, I welcomed every opportunity, unaware that I was becoming a cog in a capitalist machine. I had unknowingly traded the purity of my artistic expression for the transactional nature of the art world. The realization hit hard, and the emotional fallout was profound. I found myself grappling with the fallout of that experience, which led to a necessary period of re-evaluation. I shifted my environment, surrounded myself with supportive individuals, and slowly began to change my perception of what it means to be an artist.

This is not merely a hobby; it is my lifelong career choice, a commitment to expressing the essence of who I truly am. I’ve come to understand that I can no longer concern myself with how my art is perceived by others. The years spent worrying about whether I was good enough for anyone else are behind me. Now, my focus is solely on my own expression and exploration. 

I’ve learned that it’s okay if no one understands or appreciates my art. What matters is that I create for myself. I am reclaiming the magic that the business of art once took from me, and that is what I’ve dedicated 2024 to retrieving. The daunting challenge lies in silencing the insidious voices that whisper doubts about my worth and the value of my work. 

Mastering this “fuck off” skill—the ability to push aside negativity and self-doubt—is perhaps the most formidable challenge of all. It feels akin to honing any technical skill, like perfecting color theory or mastering perspective. Yet, this skill requires a vulnerability that many artists, particularly women raised in a patriarchal society, find especially challenging. We’ve been conditioned to seek approval and validation, often at the expense of our authentic selves.

As I navigate this transformative journey, I embrace the complexity of my emotions and the nuances of my artistic expression. I recognize that this process will never truly end; it is a continual evolution. Each brushstroke, each choice of color, and each moment spent in creation will be a reflection of my inner self. And in that, I find both the challenge and the beauty of being an artist: not in the pursuit of perfection, but in the unwavering commitment to express the person I’ve always been inside. 

This is my adventure, and it belongs solely to me.