Duality of Being: 10/24

From the journal October 2024:

Lately, I find myself wrestling with a feeling that seems to cling to my very being: I think I almost despise my own hypersensitiveness. It’s a strange contradiction. This part of me that yearns so deeply for love and understanding is also the very thing I often wish I could shed like an old skin. It requires so much reassurance, so much tenderness, and there are moments when the weight of that need feels unbearably heavy.

I’ve come to realize that this hypersensitivity—this heightened awareness of emotions, both mine and those of others—often leaves me feeling like an outsider in a world that sometimes seems so loud and abrasive. I crave connection, a sense of belonging, yet I often feel too raw, too exposed. I wonder, is it abnormal to crave so much to be loved and understood? There are days when I feel like I’m living in a delicate glass house, where even the slightest tremor can send me spiraling into self-doubt and insecurity.

And yet, in this struggle, I catch glimpses of beauty. My sensitivity allows me to experience the world in vivid colors, to feel the nuances of joy and sorrow with an intensity that others may overlook. It opens my heart to the stories of those around me, to the quiet struggles and triumphs that weave the fabric of our shared human experience. It is both a gift and a burden—a duality that I’m learning to navigate.

So, what do I do with this hypersensitivity? How do I honor it without letting it consume me? I think the answer lies in understanding and acceptance. Instead of despising this part of myself, what if I learned to embrace it? What if I could reframe my need for reassurance not as a flaw, but as an invitation for connection? 

I remind myself that it’s okay to seek love and understanding. We are all, in our own ways, searching for validation and connection. Perhaps the very act of reaching out for reassurance is a testament to my courage, my willingness to be vulnerable. It takes strength to acknowledge our needs, to express them openly in a world that often promotes the idea of stoicism and self-reliance.

Today, I choose to be gentle with myself. I will allow myself to crave love and understanding without shame. I will seek out those who resonate with my sensitivity, who can offer me the reassurance I need, knowing that it doesn’t make me weak; it makes me human. 

And as I navigate this journey of self-acceptance, I will hold space for the beauty in my hypersensitivity. I’ll celebrate the moments when I can connect deeply with others, when my heart swells with empathy and compassion. In those instances, I find that my sensitivity transforms from a burden into a bridge, connecting me to the world in ways I never thought possible.

I’m understanding and learning to embracing the complexities of my heart. It’s only through acknowledging that while I may despise my hypersensitivity at times, it is an integral part of who I am. I will continue to explore this duality, to find strength in my vulnerability, and to seek love and understanding without reservation. After all, we are all deserving of connection, and perhaps it is in our shared struggles that we truly find ourselves.

With a heart wide open… . Always.